Dear Daniel,
Thank you for your interest in a Selsby Solution. From the limited description of your quandary, Selsby recognizes where your understanding of the ways of the world has gone astray. It is fortunate that you have come to the greatest wealth of knowledge of everything for your totally correct answer and transformational path to inner-self-enormity (commonly called Turbo Cool).
Lets begin with the misguided notion that accomplishments come from “hard, diligent, painful effort”. Accomplishments come from luck. If you have seen all of this hard work result in accomplishment, you have been overlooking all of the true achievements that are a result of uninterrupted laziness. Which one is really more gratifying? Allow this example to illustrate:
Scenario 1: you are walking down the street on a sunny day just happy as a priest in a daycare center, when you stumble upon a $5 bill lying on the ground. You are so excited you tell the next person you see your good fortune*.
Scenario 2: you go to work, where you have to do a lot of things that you don’t want to and exert much effort to keep your job so you can achieve you goal for that period of time to earn you $5. Studies have shown that nobody cares if you went to work and made $5.
Now that you understand doing less is much better than doing something, lets move on to what’s missing in your life. This little challenge is much easier to solve than you might expect. In fact, it is only skin deep. Simply put, the void in your life must be filled with the pleasure of making light of other people’s flaws and inadequacies. Selsby finds people who are PC, to mean Pretty Crazy. How could you not be crazy to let someone with an obvious major malfunction walk buy you without making a comment, or just plain old laughing. Now that we have established that absolutely nothing is off limits for making comments on, we may begin your regimen to make Daniel a full person again.
What to do:
- You must begin a conversation about the weather with 2 people every day. During this dialogue, you must comment on something that you feel they are very self conscious about. To begin, just ask the person why they let the said defect they have remain.
- When someone trips or makes any kind of mistake, comment loudly and accordingly.
- Should you hear someone make an odd noise, either bodily or verbally, repeat that noise to the best of your ability and then laugh hysterically.
- Make sure you know how to defend yourself, because if you follow steps 1-3, everyone will hate you and want to give you a severe beating.
I hope you find this solution to be helpful in shaping your life towards true happiness. After all, if you’re not happy then nobody else should be either. So be happy, and let everyone else fend for themselves.
Sincerely,
Selsby Corp.
*this person is excited for you as he smeared a fantastic lump of poo on the bill.
